I was born in West Branch, Iowa (well, technically I was born at University of Iowa Hospital), and raised in Nevada, Iowa, where I graduated in 2000. After attending a couple years at DMACC in Boone, I gave away my possessions and began hitchhiking the country with a guitar I bought off of eBay. It was shortly after the September 11th attacks, and at the time I just wanted to write songs for world peace (maybe because I listened to a lot of hippie music, and I was raised a Christian, so that is how I interpreted the Beatitudes).
After attending a couple years at DMACC in Boone, I gave away my possessions and began hitchhiking the country with a guitar I bought off of eBay. It was shortly after the September 11th attacks, and at the time I just wanted to write songs for world peace (maybe because I listened to a lot of hippie music, and I was raised a Christian, so that is how I interpreted the Beatitudes).
I was raised in Nevada, Iowa as a boy, however without medical intervention, I grew breasts and other physiological characteristics typical of girls around 6th grade, thereby leaving me physically, mentally, and emotionally “in between”. Back in the 90s the term “transgender” was not generally known among Iowans, and it certainly was not the political hot button it has become today. I didn’t have any knowledge the word “transgender” even existed. It was not until much later in life that I learned I was intersex. Although I have not been tested, one doctor suspected I have Klinefelter Syndrome.
While falsely under the impression that I was a typical boy, I felt severe shame around my body, doing as many pushups as possible in hopes my breasts would go away. During school I hid them from my peers as best I could, wearing tight shirts with loose shirts over the top. This, of course, was not an option in the locker room, and in P.E. when they divided boys into shirts and skins, it seemed like every time I ended up on skins.
Because I was raised as a Christian in the First United Methodist Church, I wrongly believed the thoughts I was having and what I was going through was the result of sin, and therefore spent years beating myself up from the inside and thinking there was something wrong with me. As far back as I remember, however — even as a little kid — I used to pray to God that I would not wake up a boy. Although I always assumed it would happen overnight by the grace of God, it is true what they say: the Lord work in mysterious ways. I did not expect to learn that there was medical treatment, but around age 19, while performing online research, I did.
Unfortunately, due to Iowa’s political culture at the time, I did not feel safe talking to anyone about what I was going through — not even the people who were closest to me. This manifested itself through the my art: vague poetry that touched on ideas but never said anything outright, drawings and paintings which alluded to something going on, and cryptic conversations where I’d dance around the topic without letting on what I was getting at. Soon this led to me feeling quite distant from society, unable to focus on work or everyday life.
Just before my 20th birthday, following what I would describe as a spiritual experience out in the wilderness, I ended up in a psyche ward, misdiagnosed with multiple disorders. Although I knew what was really going on, I was scared and ashamed to talk to anyone about it, and even if I did not have the right words and was certain people would just try to talk me out of finding medical assistance.
Feeling estranged from friends and family, and misjudged based on the misdiagnoses, I ordered a guitar off the internet, gave away my possessions, and began hitchhiking the country. Much like Alexander Supertramp from Into the Wild, all I wanted was to learn to live in the wilderness. Although he had the misfortune of eating the wrong plant and dying in the woods up in Alaska, in spring 2003 I was blessed to meet a Native American teacher and U.S. Army Veteran who trained military units for years on wilderness survival, Richard Lonewolf:
Of Lakota, Northern Cheyenne, and Cherokee descent, meeting Lonewolf provided me with the educational experience I don’t know any college or university could have provided me.. He did not make me feel guilty or tell me that something was wrong with me. “My people would call you a winyanktehca, or two spirit. Two spirits are sacred to many Native Americans. We don’t see it as evil or bad — that’s not our religion. Traditional Native Americans have different religious beliefs that date back thousands of years. This is how the Creator made you,” he said.
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Key dates:
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- Spring 2000 – Graduated from Nevada High School in Nevada, Iowa.
- August 7, 2002 – After giving away my possessions and joined a bus full of hippies called “Yo Mama’s Kitchen”. We traveled the country serving free food to and doing performing arts.
- Winter 2002-2003 – Stayed in Gila National Forest (New Mexico) then Ocala National Forest (Florida).
- Winter 2003 – Traveled with a different group of hippies from Ocala to Nacogdoches “East Bygod Texas”, One of the hippies claimed to be Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements. He and I planned to travel to Mexico together.